My Story
Friends and acquaintances tell me I’m a calming person to talk to, even when I’m speaking passionately about helping people recover from Trauma, Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and Depression. But I wasn’t always this way.
I was terrorized every day of my young life, so I grew up thinking it was normal to be afraid all the time. As well, I was raised with what is officially called “Childhood Emotional Neglect”. That means when I wasn’t being terrorized I was being ignored.
When a child is abused they feel it’s their fault.
The only alternative, that their caretakers are at fault, is too much for them to handle because their very life depends on that care. So I grew up with the feeling there was something deeply wrong with me. When I left home at 18 I started to self-destruct with drugs and alcohol, and when I was 27, I had a major crisis.
In Defense of My Father
One of the very strange things about my life is that my father didn’t set out to be a monster. He just didn’t know any better. When he was born he had two brothers and a sister more than twenty years old. He was a mistake, an unplanned pregnancy. And one of his brothers had a congenital disease so his mother gave that child all her attention. By the time my father came along his parents were exhausted, tired of life. So his childhood was also absent of love and affection, filled with neglect.
He married my mother at a young age because she was pregnant with me. And although he didn’t love her he was always a good provider. As well, I’m sure he was never unfaithful to her until when my younger sister died at the age of 29 he moved to southern Oregon to be with a younger woman who gave him what he’d always wanted.
By that time I’d started learning the meditation I talk about below, which taught that to find happiness you need to forgive everyone in your life, even those who should not be forgiven. So I visited him once in a while in Oregon and we started to be friends.
During one talk we had before he died, I think he was trying to apologize, because he told me that until he was 42 years old he thought other people were two dimensional figures. He was the sales manager at a major television station, and one of his salesmen had a heart attack. So my father went to visit him in the hospital.
He said that hospital visit was the first time in his life
he realized other people had feelings and lives of their own.
From that day forward over the next 30 years he gradually changed into a loving, considerate person, always thinking of the other person first. It was really an incredible transformation. But when he was 42 years old, I was already 19 and had left home. So during my entire childhood my father saw me as a two dimensional figure with no feelings. And it took me many years to recover.
But I Did Recover
After my crisis the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) I’d had since I was a child got worse, and I had what they call “Intrusive Thoughts” many times a day that I was a terrible person. I seriously considered suicide. But I wanted so badly for my two young children to have a good father, instead of the kind of father I had, that I decided to stick around. Those children are 48 and 49 years old today, and they always tell me I was good father, so it was worth it.
But I was severely depressed for 45 years. There are many variations of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Although I had the obsessive thoughts I never had the compulsive actions, so I never hurt anybody. I just made myself very unhappy.
Because I was ignored as a child I craved human connection,
but my OCD made it difficult.
For a long time I couldn’t look people in the eye. The leader of a group therapy I went to called me “Mr. Fear”. Most of the time I was able to work to support myself, but I was painfully alone, and every day was a struggle. When I saw a man walking down the street, I would wish I was him. When I saw someone die in a movie I would feel very relaxed, and think to myself “It’s OK. They have peace now.” And I developed a death wish.
I developed an insatiable drive for personal growth. I tried everything I could think of, but I had no idea what to do. I often struggled for a long time trying to learn something I thought would help, only to find out it was either a complete waste of time or actually made things worse. So over the next 20 years I learned a lot about what doesn’t work, and about what does. But that’s the long, hard way to heal. I don’t recommend it.
Meditation
When I was 47 I joined a meditation group based on Ancient Wisdom, and my learning how to live a good life took off. In the 25 years since then I healed most of my ADHD and my OCD, and slowly I was able to gain control of my thoughts. That’s so important because our thoughts create our feelings and emotions. I learned to focus on the good things in life instead of the bad.
My understanding of myself, of other people, and of how the world works increased dramatically. Things that used to be complicated and confusing became simple and clear. I created a successful business, made good friends, and built a life filled with meaning and purpose. I became more of the person I always wanted to be.
Until I experienced how wonderful life can be, I never would have believed it.
To my surprise friends and family started coming to me for advice. So I decided to get into coaching. Over the next three years I took three long coaching courses, and each one was better than the last. I learned powerful healing techniques.
But the most important thing I learned is that I’m a natural. My clients tell me I just naturally help them feel calm and safe. And I always remember that without the years of my suffering I wouldn’t have gained the experience and insight to help others recover from their own Trauma, ADHD, OCD, and depression quickly.
Apply for a Free “Get Out of Depression Now” coaching session up to 90 Minutes long.
I look forward to hearing your story,
Ken Lapp
Things are going to get easier